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Thursday, October 23, 2008

And so it goes

It has now been 6 weeks since Hex lost the battle. It seems like it has been a year and it seems like it was yesterday.

I have not been able to post again to the blog nor really communicate to people as it is hard to do so without breaking down. I am so grateful for the love and support I have received both before and after that saddest day. Having so much love and support has made me want to be a better person. When you have such tragedies you remember how much friends and family help you get though the days. When my mother passed away 6 years ago (1st Nov 2002) I had my whole family and all my mother's friends surrounding us to give us strength. When you lose a dog; you feel as if you should "get over" it quicker yet you do not have the rituals of funerals and wakes to put a closure to the loss. And at the same time I do NOT want closure. I want my dog back. I want someone to tell me this had been a horrible mistake.

The phone calls and visits, the cards and flowers and the memorial for Hex in the Agility Voice have all been very much appreciated. If I fail to say Thank you personally please forgive me. Even now I have a hard time reading the cards although I know that in time they will be a great comfort. I am touched by how many people took the time to write. While I will not be around agility for a long time now; please when you do see me do not feel hesitant about coming up to say hi, to give me a hug or to even speak about Hex. It will eventually help to know she will not be forgotten so easily. It may make me cry but hopefully that will lessen in time.

I do not know when I will return to agility. I am sure Zen will draw me back in eventually; but for now I will just be a spectator. Even though I only actually ran agility with Hex for one and a half years; it seems like I never knew agility without her running with me.

I miss Hex more than I can say. When we lost Joy only two years ago it was sad but she had led a full life and we had so many memories of her to make us laugh. Losing Hex has been very different. I just look down or put my hand down at my side and expect her to be there and sometimes the realization that she is gone just takes my breath away.

People tell me there must be a reason for all of this. God knows I want to find that reason.

Only recently I received an email from a lady named Tami who also lost her special dog to mushroom poisoning. The story of her dog's tragedy and others is on the website below. Please read it and pass it on.